When I started this blog, I started this blog with the intention of being transparent about everything that comes with being a woman, a human, and an attorney. I realize that I need to deliver on that because there is power in telling your truth. Being an attorney is a very very thankless job and it is a very stressful job, to say the least. Being a black female attorney in the Great State of Louisiana is equally just as hard especially amongst other black female veteran attorneys, which is surprising at best right, but it’s the truth. It’s hard to fight in America to be accepted, but, hell, it’s a fight amongst your own people and peers too. So what do you do? Keep going even when you feel defeated.
November 23, 2020 was the highlight of my legal career. An older veteran female attorney cut me with sharp spouted words after I asked her to show me some respect in the way that she talked to me. Just because you are older than me or have more years in the profession than me, it DOES NOT give you a one way ticket to disrespect me. It is always best to be kind to others because you never know what people are going through or how hard they fought to get to the place that they are in currently and guys, I fought like hell to get to where I am. This woman called me a “victim” for asking her to treat me with some respect in her tone and how she talks to me as a professional.
Well, this victim would like to be candid if I may:
See, three years ago, I probably would have let anyone walk all over me and I would have been dismissive because I was so used to being defeated and mentally broken down in my own home. I am 30 by the way and I have worked hard to no end to get to a place of peace, but on November 23, 2020, I was defeated so much so that I almost said “Eff the practice of law, if I have to deal with people like you,” however, that would mean that she had won and to give someone that kind of power is just not a good resolve. I was defeated because those dark clouds that I wore daily over my head during an abusive and toxic marriage resurfaced, but this time the dark clouds were in terms of my career because the behaviors were so similar: classic bullying and gaslighting and intimidation, let’s call a thing a thing.
Ya’ll, I am an attorney and I am survivor of domestic abuse (verbal abuse is still domestic abuse, it’s just not a convictable offense and it should be if you ask me). My journey with domestic abuse is a dark part of my life that I don’t discuss, because during that time, I was so defeated that I was only trying to survive because on a day to day basis, I never knew what was going to happen next. My home was a true ESCAPE ROOM, without a way to escape. I never knew if the mental lashings were going to turn physical. I never even knew how my bills would get paid and often times I had to result to taking out payday loans because I had a spouse who would use community funds for everything except the community while I held down two to three jobs, even working retail at one point while practicing law. (DO YOU ALL HEAR ME? THIS WAS MY STRUGGLE. Sidebar: You don’t know my struggle, so one could never understand my hustle). I never knew what was going to happen on a day to day basis, but in that moment I was only trying to keep my head above water and often times, I carried my head down because I was defeated. I wasn’t even myself, I put everything I loved and everyone I loved on the back burner out of shame and guilt. My former spouse would beat upon me with his words and then I would beat myself up and question my worth and my value. I found myself doing the same thing on yesterday and I am not afraid to admit this.
The impact of words are so powerful, one word, like the word “victim” can cause a person to go back to a dark place that they worked like hell to get out of. To be made to feel inadequate is one of the worse feelings in the world and it is emotionally taxing when it comes from society, but its even more emotionally taxing when the feelings of inadequacy comes from your own people! The elephant in the room is that it is more likely than not to be your own people, but we are not ready to have that conversation! The mental aerobics that your mind has to juggle and navigate through said feelings especially by your own people is EXHAUSTING! However, what I can say is that at the end of the day, how a person treats you has everything to do with them and little to do with you. Someone’s mistreatment of you has more to do with themselves and their unresolved issues that are unfortunately projected on to you.
November 23, 2020, was the highlight of my legal career because if I hadn’t have gone to that dark place, I probably would not be up at 2:25 AM writing this piece. Writing is my peace and it is my kryptonite and I was reminded of that time and time again, that I couldn’t keep this in as I know that someone else may need the encouragement regardless of their career. You may be downdrodden and defeated, but don’t you dare stay there. Get up and show them who you are and show them who you are boldly and proudly. There is nothing wrong with walking in your thrivership and survivorship. Lastly, when you go to a dark place, its okay to go to, just find your way back to the light and manifest. God (or whatever your higher power is) will put people on pause just so that you can get to a place of peace and comfort after defeat so that you can listen and clearly hear. Sometimes we have to go to the dark place to be able to hear to get to the light. Never feel bad for taking back your power and manifesting your power.
All My Love,