If I could sum up 2019, it has been a year of revelation about relationships, friendships, partnerships and the relationship that I have with myself. Am I giving as much of myself to myself as I am giving to all of these other relationships that I have in my life? The short answer to that is no. Here it is, I am worried about this person, my job, my businesses, my family, my friends, but who is worried about me? I found myself giving so much life and elevation to others that I forgot to give life and elevation to myself. To be honest, some people didn’t even deserve the type of access to my life that I gave especially when it was not reciprocated.
One day, I just had to evaluate everyone and everything with access to me. I believe the first time I began to evaluate my people, places, and things was on August 19, 2019, the day I filed for divorce. I had given so much of myself to a relationship that was one-sided and probably should not have ever happened. (But it did, lesson learned). Going through a divorce is the worse death that one can experience and it takes so much out of you. It’s very draining, emotionally and physically, but it’s also the first step at getting yourself back. In was in that moment that I realized what it meant to do what was best for me on all fronts because I needed to heal.
To many, it seemed like I shut people out, but I was just doing some rearranging mentally and emotionally for me. Sometimes it’s necessary to do some rearranging of your people, places and things. Only you can decide what you will tolerate and what you will accept. If a lamp doesn’t look good in the left corner of your bedroom, you find another place for it where it’s better suited or you let it go, such is life. There are some things and people in your life who may not be suited for certain areas of your life and sometimes you just have to let situations and people go. It hurts like hell. The worse thing in the world in the mourn the loss of someone who is still alive, but not in your life. But it’s life.
I had to rearrange and evaluate relationships. What did these relationships have to offer? Was there reciprocation? Was it a peaceful relationship or tumultuous? Was the relationship fitting to my narrative? What are the pros and cons? These are the questions that you must ask, and sometimes relationships can be salvaged even if it’s not right now–it’s called taking a break. There is a time and place for everything and you can’t pour from an empty cup. When I look over my life, my career, and my goals, I realized that I needed people who fit my future and not necessarily my history. I needed people who celebrated me and not just tolerated me. Most importantly, I needed me. I needed me because I was missing. I needed to give so much of me to me like I was giving to everyone else in my life. I am in a career where I have to be strong for so many people because they are depending on me and as a professional sometimes it gets hard. Please understand, that being an attorney, doesn’t mean I am not human, because I am.
I needed myself. So I grabbed myself by the bootstraps and said come on girl, you need you. You need to Just Be. I need to just be. You have to take the moment to just be and love yourself and evolve into the person who you were meant to be. Unfortunately, sometimes that requires shifting in a way that you may not have imagined on every level. And while there is always a warning before destruction, some times we take the wrong roads in life and that’s okay. One can take that same lamp and get a refund or exchange it for a better-suited lamp to fit the narrative of your room. The same principle applies to life and it’s situations, you can always start anew. Life and its circumstances sometimes require us to rearrange. Everything happens for a reason and all things work together for your good.
August 19, 2019 was the day I began the process of reinventing myself and getting to know this woman who hid behind so much for so long and I really love her. One doesn’t need validation to be themselves aside from their careers. I love who I am when I am alone, relaxing and doing the things that make me happy because she [me] is the strongest of them all because she can find happiness in the small pleasures and still moments. There are pieces of one’s self that one has to get to know in order to be better and do better and that is defined by identifying what makes one happy. It is also defined by learning who you are in the physical, emotional, and spiritual realm. By just being and giving yourself the power to just be…it is then that you find the deepest and intricate paths to your inner soul that you may have never known before.
Ain’t no feeling like being free. I may not be where I want to be, but looking back on 2018-2019, I damn sure ain’t where I used to be and for me, that is a WIN.
Love and Light To You All….See you in 2020.
This Post Is Dedicated To My Cousin LaTaurus Richardson
Thank you for insight, support, words (I borrowed some), and being one of my closest confidants and biggest supporters.