It was a Monday night and I sat in my truck crying my eyes out. I picked up the phone because I felt the need to discuss my feelings of inadequacy and my feelings of not being enough with my grandfather and my uncle. I explained to them that due to the emotional and verbal abuse that I have endured and in spite of all of my accomplishments and who I was as a person, I felt that I would never be enough. I know you guys are probably thinking, “You’re an attorney, you are successful, you are beautiful, I can’t imagine this is your reality.” Well, it was my reality and I am no longer afraid to bask in that reality for a moment, especially if it helps someone else. I can only be my authentic self, but what do you do when you feel like being your authentic self is not enough? Keep being your authentic self, unapologetically and to those who can not accept you for your authenticity…then it’s time to give them the boot unapologetically.
I wish I would have told myself, “Keep being your authentic self, unapologetically and to those who can not accept you for your authenticity…then it’s time to give them the boot unapologetically.” However, I had to undergo some hard lessons. I began to accept that I cannot control the actions of others and that I cannot control the opinions that others may have of me. I can only control my actions and my thoughts. Since March of 2017, while my life appeared “peachy” on the outside, my life was crumbling on the “inside,” and for over a year I suffered in silence hoping that things would get better. They did not, needless to say. Up until I had a moving conversation with the men in my life, I felt very small and worthless even though I gave my all and gave my best to everyone I encountered. I felt unloved and unwanted by the one person who was supposed to love and want me. I began to feel this so much to the point that I began to believe that there was something wrong with me. I was determined to fix whatever was wrong me, only to realize there was nothing wrong with me at all.
Balancing a full-time career and then coming home to feelings of being unloved, feelings of unwantedness, feelings of belittlement, feelings of hopelessness, and feelings of unworthiness has been the most tumultuous experience that at times still lingers. I have been called every name that you could possibly think of and I took it until I had enough. One day I took a look in the mirror and looked at this broken woman and I barely recognized her. While in that mirror, I realized that I had relinquished and gave permission for individuals and situations to have an exquisite amount of power over me. For that amount of power, that was too much and for a long time, it cost me my peace of mind. It’s hell not having peace and peace of mind in your own home. I will be the first one to say emotional and verbal abuse is worse than physical abuse. When someone infiltrates your mind and your soul to feel the feelings of unwantedness, belittlement, hopelessness, and unworthiness, it is hard to bounce back from the after effects. I guess you may say well, “You’re a strong woman.” While I don’t dispute that I am a strong woman, I have some weak areas and tolerating mistreatment from others at the expense of damn near losing myself was one of them. Charles Dickens in Bleak House once said: “It is a melancholy truth that great men have their poor relations.” Therefore, no one is immune to experiencing trials and tribulations, however, you can’t waddle in making a great case and chief trying to solve the case of “Me versus My Subconscious” when the facts are clear from the evidence for a directed verdict, that one needs to be acquitted of those feelings of not being enough. We owe ourselves the biggest acquittal [release] and an apology for putting up with what we do not deserve.
I am here to tell you, never allow someone or even a situation to have so much power over you that you lose yourself in the process. If you have experienced being treated less than you should be treated in a relationship, friendship, or work relationship, you don’t have to tolerate the toxicity. Everyone gets to a point where they have had enough. To every person who has ever felt like they were not enough, remember that you are enough and you will be enough for the right people and the right situations. Let that toxic relationship go. Let that toxic friendship with people who talk behind your back, smile in your face, then play you for the villain go. (Had a quick flashback…that’s a post for another day). I can look back and say I am happy that I went through this phase in my life because I had to learn how to love me. More importantly, I had to reach back to this blossoming woman who hid at the expense of satisfying others who didn’t even have the capacity to love and adore her as she should have been. Be unapologetically authentic in who you are regardless of who accepts you. Life is too short to be anyone other than yourself.
I love the hell out of me flaws and all and I love you too! Be your Authentic Self, it may help someone else.