I often find myself pouring myself into my work and like Christina in “The Photograph” stated, “I wish I were as good at love, as I am at my work.” Working for me is a coping mechanism and a way for me to avoid deep harbored resentments that I have carried with me since I was a child. I have been good at everything, Jill of All Trades if you Will, but in the romantic relationship department, I often have felt that I have failed in that area and then there are other times, where I just believe that I have not met the right man. I find myself questioning whether: I am good enough, smart enough, beautiful enough, and do I possess the qualities that a decent man would want me for me and not just to sleep with me or for my many connections and what I can do for them.
My trauma with men started way before I became of the dating age. My heart wasn’t broken by some boy in elementary school. The first time I didn’t feel wanted was not because my high school crush made me feel that way. The first time I didn’t feel enough was not in my abusive marriage. The first time that I saw a woman get played day in and day out through lies and manipulation, did not start with me and someone who I dated. The first man who I wrote countless letters to so that he would finally realize my value was not a boyfriend. The first man I begged to have a relationship with me was not a boyfriend either. So who was this man that all my trauma began with? It began with the man who signed my birth certificate, the man who created me, it was my Dad.
It’s no secret that my Dad was in and out of my life for the first eleven years of my life. He wasn’t consistently around until the age of eleven and even then, things were still rocky and it took a long time for us to establish a good solid foundation. I do have to admit, that I was his heart, his golden child, and I have no doubt that my dad loved me with all that he had in him and he did the best that he could with what he had. After all, he had me when he was only nineteen. I also understood that he had a rough life and he didn’t really have the best examples for male role models either. I also loved my dad dearly and today is his 50th birthday. I would love nothing more but to have him physically here to celebrate and have a good time like we used to do. There is nothing that I wouldn’t give to have my dad back on earth and I feel like, at the time of his passing, our relationship was really flourishing and on the up and up all for it to be taken away.
There’s an old saying that a girl’s dad is her first love and that a girl would always want to marry a man like her dad. I am definitely not “every girl,” because my answer would definitely be no. I feel that in order for one to fully manifest the desires of your heart and get the things that you know that you deserve especially when it comes to matters of the heart, sometimes we have to reflect and look at our inner child and unpack the trauma that may have spilled over into our adult lives.
The first man to ever break my heart was my dad. The first time that I didn’t feel wanted was from ages eight to eleven when I wondered why my dad didn’t want to be a part of my life and was there something wrong with me and I would ask why did he just leave me and my mom to fend for ourselves while he went on with his life and I was an afterthought. I also felt like I wasn’t enough. I would write my dad countless letters just to try to forge a relationship with him because I desired to have my dad in my life. When our relationship finally became one that was solid, I still harbored resentment toward him because of how I saw him behave with women. For an example of what a man should be like toward a woman, I can’t say that he was a bad example and I can’t say he was a good example. He was lukewarm at best and definitely had his flaws. While he did teach me not to accept anything less than being treated like I was golden like I was a QUEEN, what I can say is that I didn’t like the way he treated women. I can also say that I feel like his karma didn’t catch him and instead it caught his daughters with failed relationships with these men who don’t know how to love, are manipulative, only want sex and simply don’t care about anyone but themselves. Through those toxic relationships and tumultuous heartbreaks, I am wondering, am I cursed or something because of this pattern of behavior that I have seen my dad and other men in my family display. I wonder am I enough.
The reality is that I am enough, but I will never be enough for the wrong man. On this newfound dating journey, I really thought that I had found my person and there was so much that we had in common and there was chemistry, it was like a breath of fresh air, and for the first time, I was able to just exhale. However, it was short-lived because we were not on the same page apparently. I was hurt because I know I am a great catch and a wonderful woman, but I’m not for everybody and I am certainly not going to be the right person for someone who is unsure about me and themselves. So at that moment, God spoke to me in the smallest of voices and he said, “Regardless of what you want in life and in love, in order to receive all that I am about to give you at the level that I am about to give you, You need to forgive the first man who broke your heart and you need to finally let the resentment toward your dad go.”
Life is all about choices and I did not get the opportunity to choose the DNA and blood that runs through my veins. In summary, my dad did the best he could with what he had and even though he was absent for some time in my life, he gained a level of maturity and was the best dad that he knew how to be and for that I am grateful. A lot of times, we block our own blessings by having built-up resentment and a heart of unforgiveness when we could be receiving so much more on a major level. Forgiveness is a step in the manifestation process, in my honest opinion.
On a day like today, December 23, 2020, my dad’s 50th Birthday, I would be a big ball of emotions, but I feel amazing. I know that my dad is smiling down on me and that he is proud of me and the wall of resentment and unforgiveness that I carried with me for at least 22 years of my life toward him has now fallen down. It definitely needed to because of where I am in my life. I want to receive and receive abundantly all the things that God has for me. Additionally, this whole paying for the Karma of my father and generational curses has ended with me. I am enough, I am worthy of true and real love, I am beautiful, I have value, I have worth, and most importantly, I am me. When you know your worth, you can’t become complacent in your dealings and engagements and you cannot settle for mediocrity in any facet of life.
So to my Dad, Happy 50th Birthday Old Man! I love you and I am so grateful for the time that we did have here on earth together. You have always been my heartbeat and even though I didn’t always know it, I was always your heart. I do forgive you because I know that you were not perfect, but you did your best and you were a great father even though we had our struggles. I was always the daughter you never had to worried about, but it’s been kinda crazy these past six years doing life without you. I apologize for my resentment and unforgiving spirit toward you, but I know now it has to be put to rest and I am glad it has been put to rest.